Percussive Humor
Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
Me either.
Q:Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So you don't have to retrain the drummers.
An amateur drummer dies and goes to heaven. While he is waiting outside the pearly gates, he hears some incredibly fast drumming coming from within heaven. He immediately recognizes the playing, and asks St. Peter if that really is Buddy Rich playing drums in heaven. St. Peter responds, "No, that's G-d. He just thinks that he's Buddy Rich."
Q: How can you make a drummer slow down?
A: You put a sheet of music in front of him
Q #2: How can you make that drummer stop?
A: Put notes on the sheet of music
Q: Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
A: So they can park in the handicapped spot.
A fellow walks into a shop and says to the shop assistant: "excuse me, I'd like to buy a guitar pick, and some strings."
The shop assistant looks uncomprehendingly at his customer, and says "pardon?"
"I'd like a guitar pick please, and some strings."
The shop assistant thinks on this for a while, and then turns to his customer and says "you're a drummer aren't you?"
"Yeah! How did you know man?"
"This is a fish and chip shop."
Johnny says to his mom: I want to be a drummer when I grow up!
Mom: But Johnny, you can't do both.
The classic one:
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.
Q: How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A: The knocking speeds up.
Q: How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A: He doesn't know when to come in.
Did you hear about the guitarist who was going to a gig and locked his keys in the car? It took him two hours to get the drummer out....
One friend to another: "Why do you hang around with that drummer??"
"Beats me!"
Q: How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
A: You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.
A man dies and goes to Heaven. Unlike he had expected, Heaven is essentially a really long hallway with doors on either side, each with a short IQ range listed on it. Inside, he learns, the rooms are perfectly tailored so that the conversation will match the intelligence of the people in them.
He opens the 170 door. "Well," comes the conversation inside, "I've always found Fourier transforms to be a rather limited way of interconverting what are fundamentally..."
SLAM. Too rich for him. He heads down the hall a bit to the 115 zone and opens the door. "I just read 'Generation X'," comes a voice, "and though Coupland doesn't do too badly in identifying his generation's fundamental angst, I was a bit confused by..."
SLAM. Not bad, but now the man was getting curious, and wanted to see what was further down the scale. He tries 95. "Hey, did you read the paper today? Says interest rates will go up again..."
SLAM. How about 60? "Huh. Thought 'Married With Children' last night was pretty funny. Didn't get the bit about the hooters, though..."
SLAM. It was getting pretty bad. He tried 35. The people inside were looking at one another and drooling.
Finally, he came to the one marked with a 10. He hesitated, fearing what he would see when he opened the door. But he did, seeing only two guys inside.
"So," one said to the other, "what size sticks do you use?"
a variation on the last one
Two salesmen are in a bar. One says to the other, "I bet you I can relate to anyone in this bar, I'm such a good salesman." The other replies, "You think so, huh? Well, sure. But I pick the guys." "Ok," says the first, "you're on."
The other grabs the guy sitting at the table next to them and tells the first salesman, "Here, this one." This first subject is dressed in a three-piece suit and is carrying Wall Street Week. The salesman asks him, "What's your IQ?" "190." So they chat for a while about the stock market, particle physics, and Non-Euclidean geometry.
"Ok," says the other salesman, "That was pretty good, but you still have two to go." He looks around and grabs a guy dressed in jeans, a tee-shirt, and a baseball cap worn backwards. The salesman asks him "What's you're IQ?" "About 100." So THEY chat for a while about baseball, cars, and the various women in the bar.
"Fine," says the other salesman, "But there's still one to go." He goes to the back of the bar and grabs a really scummy looking guy in a muscle shirt and shorts. The salesman asks him "What's your IQ?"
"About 60."
"What kind of sticks do you use?"
Q: What does the average drummer get on an IQ test?
A: Drool.
Q: How can you tell when the stage riser is level?
A: The drools comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.
Q: What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q: What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A: "Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ..."
Q: What did the professional drummer say when he got to his job?
A: "Would you like fries with that?"