No Accounting For Bad Taste
- Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
I assume you know why pipers like to march when they are playing? Because it's harder to hit a moving target.
"An accordion is just a bagpipe with pleats"
A fellow walking into a pub says: "Do you want to hear my latest accordion joke?" "Now, I play the accordion" says the bartender, a large strapping fellow."That gentleman at the end of the bar, the one who look like a logger, he plays the accordion. And that big gentleman playing darts over there, he plays the accordion. Do you still want to tell your joke?" "No, I don't feel like explaining it three times."
Celts are unique in that they can take the two instruments that annoy the most people in the world, and place them in the *same band*.
"Play An Accordion, Go To Jail"
"Three Rows And You're Out"
How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb? five; one to screw it in and four to (a.) complain that it's electric. (b.) lament about how much they miss the old one. (c.) stand around and watch.
What's the difference between a banjo and a(n)... (a.) onion no one cries when you cut up a banjo. (b.) uzzie an uzzie only repeats forty times. (c.) chain saw a chain saw has a dynamic range. and/or you can turn a chainsaw off. (d.) Harley Davidson motorcycle you can tune a Harley. (e.) Trampoline you take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Playing the banjo is a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded...you don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? Will the defendant please rise.
What do you get when you throw a banjo and an accordion off the Empire State Building? Who Cares...
What do you call twenty-five banjos up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.
What do you call one-hundred banjos at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
What did the banjo player get on his IQ (or SAT) test? drool...
Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players? it saves time in the long run.
What will you never say about a banjo player? that's the banjo player's porsche.
Banjo players are a lot like sharks--they think they have to keep playing or they will sink...
How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs? by there names...(used to be Irish fiddle tunes)
The sixth fret on a banjo is a lot like the thirteenth floor on a building you don't really need one.
Does this kinder, gentler era have room for another generation of obnoxious banjo pickers telling dumb jokes and playing fast?
What is the difference between...
A french horn and a lawnmower? You can tune a lawnmower.
A clarinet and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.
A saxophone and a chainsaw? The grip.
An accordion and a trampoline? You are supposed to take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They have a machine that does that now.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians? A: A drummer.
Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your door ? A: The knocking always speeds up.
Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room ? A: They never know when to come in.
Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? A: 50. 1 to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better.
Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control? A: Their personality.
Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones? A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."
Q: What's the difference between a moose and a blues band? A: The moose has the horns up front and the asshole behind.
Q: How many members of U2 does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Bono holds up the light bulb, and the universe revolves around his ass.
What's the difference between a viola and a violin? A violin burns faster.
Why is a violist like a terrorist? They both f**k up bowings.
What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist? Terrorists have sympathisers.
What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker? A dressmaker tucks up frills.
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned it down." The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"
A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor askes the violist, "What's wrong?" The violist answers, "The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs." The conductor replied, "I admit, that seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?" To which the violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!!"
The composition of a string quartet: 1 good violinist 1 bad violinist 1 really bad violinist who became a violist 1 cellist who hates all violinists.
GLOSSARY OF MUSICAL TERMS
ACCIDENTALS: Wrong notes
AUGMENTED FIFTH: A 36-ounce bottle
BROKEN CONSORT: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the restroom.
CADENCE: When everybody hopes you're going to stop - but you don't
CADENZA: The heroine in Monteverdi's opera "Frottola"
CANTUS FIRMUS: The part you get when you can only play four notes
CHANSONS DE GESTE: Dirty songs
CLAUSULA: Mrs. Santa
CROTCHET: A tritone with a bent prong - or
CROTCHET: It's like knitting but it's faster
CUT TIME: When you're going twice as fast as everybody else in the ensemble.
DUCTIA: A lot of mallards
EMBOUCHRE: The way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn
ESTAMPIE: What they put on letters in Quebec
GARGLEFINKLEIN: A tiny recorder played by neums
HOCKET: The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett
INTERVAL: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three kinds: Major Interval: A long time Minor Interval: A few bars Inverted Interval: When you have to back one bar and try again
INTONATION: Singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages
ISORHYTHMIC MOTET: When half of the ensemble got a different xerox than the other half
MINNESINGER: A boy soprano
MUSICA FICTA: When you lose your place and have to bluff till you find it again. Also known as faking
NEUMS: Renaissance midgets
NEUMATIC MELISMA: A bronchial disorder caused by hockets
ORDO: The hero in Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings"
PERFORMANCE PRACTISE: Sex education
ROTA: An early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts
TROTTO: An early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge
LAUDA: The difference between shawms and krummhorns
SANCTA: Clausula's husband
LASSO: The 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale
DI LASSO: Popular with Italian cowboys
LAI: What monks give up when they take their vows
VIRELAI: A local woman known for her expertise in the Lai
CONDUCTUS: The process of getting Vire into the cloister
MOTET: Where you meet Vire if the cloister is guraded
ORGANUM: You may not participate in the Lai without one
PARALELL ORGANUM: Everybody standing in a double line, waiting for Vire
DUCTIA: Vire's organum
MINIM: The time you spend with Vire when there is a long line
BREVE: The time you spend when the line is short
TEMPUS PERFECTUM: A good time was had by all
TEMPUS IMPERFECTUM: Vire had to leave early
LONGA: The time between visits with Vire
PROLATION: Precautions taken before the Lai
CROTCHET: An unpleasant illness that occurs after the Lai, if prolation is not used
DRONE: The sound of a single monk during an attack of Crotchet
RHYTHMIC DRONE: The sound of many monks suffering with Crotchet
SOLESME: The state of mind after a rough case of Crotchet
ISORHYTHM: The individual process of releif when Vire is out of town
ORGANISTRUM: A job-related hazard for careless medieval percussionists, cause by getting one's tapper caught in the clapper
HURDY-GURDY: A truss for medieval percussionists who get Organistrum
QUAVER: Beginning viol class
RACKETT: Capped reeds class
RITORNELLO: An opera by Verdi
SINE PROPRIETATE: Cussing in church
TRANSPOSITION: An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece
TROPE: A malevolent Neum
TUTTI: A lot of sackbuts
STOPS: Something Bach did not have on his organ
AGNUS DEI: A famous female church composer
METRONOME: A dwarf who lives in the city
ALLEGRO: Leg fertilizer
RECITATIVE: A disease that Monteverdi had
ORCHESTRAL SUITES: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras